I’m trying to settle into writing two to three times a week, so I figured I’d write my thoughts down somewhat informally today; less wordplay, more unstructured observation. Let’s see how this turns out.
At the object level, I’ve been spending most of my time working on simulating soap films. This is very involved; the main tasks are working through the physics (mostly optics) and the differential equations for fluid flow, implementing and optimizing numerical algorithms, and using some artistic sense to visualize the results in an evocative way.
Programming stuff like this is one of the activities that I deeply enjoy. I can completely lose myself in the process, since everything I’m dealing with—the equations, the programming environment, the intricacies of parallel computing—feels wonderfully familiar. This project has me doing math again with a fluency that I haven’t felt in a while, certainly not this year.
As an aside, I tend to obsess over objects that feel canonical. Or maybe eternal, or universal. The current example is this pattern:
This is the color of a thin double-walled film of a given thickness (along the x-axis, in nanometers). The color. Every bubble that has ever been blown, or will ever be blown, observes this law. Yet I was able to produce this diagram with a machine that doesn’t seem to have anything in common with bubbles at all… except that they both manage to reliably create these colors. Momentarily I glimpse the fascinating possibility of a common underlying structure, and the implied connections between computation and physics, and my mind lights up like a torch.
Moving on from the particulars—where am I going with this project? I was thinking of producing soap-film art. I’ve seen some incredible videos of soap films, and I would love to create prints of frames from the simulator. I could also publish some videos from the simulator on youtube… haven’t decided yet, but I can figure that out once it works properly.
One meta-level up, though, I’m constantly wondering what I’m doing. Sure, immediately, I’m having fun—but so what? I’m still unemployed, and feel the constant urge to seek out opportunities, improve myself, and make money. This oscillation between undirected play and intense practicality (explore and exploit!), often in the space of hours, has defined my frame of mind over the last year.
Everything loops back to a single question: what do I do next? I feel like a robot rotating through actions, evaluating, seeking rewards. I naturally wonder if the real mistake here is that I’m putting too much pressure on myself, then I stop: what if the real mistake is that I’m thinking too hard about what I’m doing? But then what do I do next? No escape.
All my actions are rooted in hunger. I need to develop myself further, to strive harder, to fly closer to the Sun. I need to see my dreams realized. I imagine myself as a pot of boiling water, turning endlessly under convective forces—no equilibrium to be found.
A framework I use often: give myself advice as if I were someone else. This helps me think somewhat more objectively, in a way that circumvents the defenses of the ego. Here’s what I would say to myself right now:
Before, when you were traveling and exploring the world, you didn’t create much of anything. Now, after realizing that creation is the core of your being, you’ve overcorrected into a frenzy. Slow down. Look for the details, and the secrets, and the quiet shade in the afternoon. Listen for those things that beckon you quietly, whose inviting whispers are lost among the screams of desire that echo through your mind.
It got a little poetic (I can’t help it), but I like this direction. The most common flavor of advice suggests embarking on a mission of relentless self-improvement. Grinding yourself into a paste in the pursuit of some ideal form. A hundred neon billboards reminding you that you are not enough as you are.
In my opinion, this mindset stems from an anxious rejection of risk. I have to work as hard as possible so that I succeed because not succeeding is failure and failure is intolerable. Instead, fully acknowledge and embrace failure. Accept that you have failed already and will continue to fail. To riff on something
says often: fail 100 times.I’m also reminded of Feynman’s words:
Now that I am burned out and I'll never accomplish anything, I've got this nice position at the university teaching classes which I rather enjoy, and just like I read the Arabian Nights for pleasure, I'm going to play with physics, whenever I want to, without worrying about any importance whatsoever.
The truly creative state of mind, in terms of the explore/exploit dichotomy, is at least ninety-five percent explore. Remember that.
Hope you liked today’s post! As always, feel free to leave feedback!
curious how we can have such intense hunger for a kind of nourishment we’ve never tasted and cannot precisely define