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Really strong opening, definitely resonates with versions of me that sometimes take center stage. Interesting exploration of what is missing from the happiness equation.

I think honor is probably nested under the very wide umbrella of meaning 🤔

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May 8, 2023Liked by Siddharth

Wonderful essay. Reminds me of a few passages from Notes from Underground:

"But I repeat to you for the hundredth time, there is only one case, one only, where man may purposely, consciously wish for himself even the harmful, the stupid, even what is stupidest of all: namely, so as to have the right to wish for himself even what is stupidest of all and not be bound by an obligation to wish for himself only what is intelligent. For this stupidest of all, this caprice of ours, gentleman, may in fact be the most profitable of anything on earth for our kind, especially in certain cases. And in particular it may be more profitable than all other profits even in the case when it is obviously harmful and contradicts the most sensible conclusions of our reason concerning profits—because in any event it preserves for us the chiefest and dearest thing, that is, our personality and our individuality. "

"Is reason not perhaps mistaken as to profits? Maybe man does not love well-being only? Maybe he loves suffering just as much? Maybe suffering is just as profitable for him as well-being? For man sometimes loves suffering terribly much, to the point of passion, and that is a fact. Here there’s not even any need to consult world history; just ask yourself, if you’re a human being and have had any life at all. As for my personal opinion, to love just well-being alone is even somehow indecent. Whether it’s good or bad, it’s sometimes very pleasant to break something. I, as a matter of fact, take my stand here neither with suffering nor with well-being. I stand…for my own caprice, and that it be guaranteed me when necessary. "

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I had this exact thought recently "so many people would **kill** for the opportunities and salary you have". I should be grateful, yet I feel like like black goo is slowly creeping to swallow me whole and I need to GTFO. Luckily I did asap! Happy the spunk in me hasn't been snuffed out by school and that north compass sense in me is so crisp.

"The experience of noticing we’re on the wrong path, in what feels like the wrong life, comes to almost all of us at some point. A few years into a job, a relationship, or a living situation, we may suddenly realize that everything seems . . . off... The most common reason we end up feeling this way is by doing what we’re “supposed to.” We learn from our culture how a good person is supposed to behave, and we behave that way.... Those feelings meant that our internal guidance systems were working perfectly, signaling “WRONG WAY!” as clearly as they could." - The Way of Integrity, Part One: The Dark Wood of Error, Martha Beck.

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That was beautiful Siddharth. Thank you for writing this - I needed to hear it.

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